House Elves of Doom
by Hybrid Paradox
Summary: Hermione finds strange inhabitants of Hogwarts...


A few notes

Disclaimer: these characters are not my own they are property of J.K.Rowling, even though the three elves were compiled by me the concept of a house elf is still hers son in other owrds do not take legal actions against me please

Questionable Content; this infers that one, Sirius Black and one, Remus Lupin are a couple if you don't like it dont read the story.

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**The House Elves of Doom**

An odd stench filled the dungeon as Hermione Granger was on her way from a particularly boring potions class, which for some unknown reason Harry and Ron were not at. When for she heard a rather strange and soothing voice begin speaking up ahead.

"Bludgeon" the voice had said over and over again "Bludgeon"

"Excuse Me?" Hermione whispered as she began to look for the voices originator, Figuring it probably be peeves she started to walk quicker to pass up whatever plot he had going when she saw three tiny house elves. "Do you need help?" she stopped in front of the first elf, which had bat like ears the size of footballs and glowing red eyes.

"Bludgeon" it replied in the same soothing voice that haunted the dark and dank dungeon hallways only moments before. Then it looked down at a object wrapped in old parchment, then lifted it up for Hermione to take.

"What this..." she examined the parchment and its many tatters "a present?" she eyeballed it once again and finally started to open it when she heard one of the other elves speak.

"Innocence" the elf repeated it five or six times in the same sadistic voice, before what Hermione thought she saw was the elf's head spinning. After seeing the second elf Hermione slowly put the present down and began to walk away, when the third elf spoke.

"Hide" it whispered in a two-toned child's voice "Hide" At this point Hermione began to run down the hallway to get away from the strange creatures "Hide" the third elf repeated as it and the others chased Hermione down.

"Bludgeon" "Innocence" "Hide" all three of them began to chant as they ran her down." Bludgeon" "Innocence" "Hide" each was said in a different voice but for some reason they registered in Hermione's mind as fear. Finally Hermione reached the door and frantically opened it to escape the mad elves.

Later that day a very paranoid Hermione entered Hagrids hut looking rather distraught.

"What's wrong 'ermione?" Hagrid said as he was fumbling over a strange insect.

"Hagrid does Hogwarts have an Elf problem?" Hermione said with intervals of eye twitching, which seemed to be happening since the incident.

"What do you mean?" she got his interest, so he leaned over the table almost knocking over a mug." Did one of them… you know… because we have had a lot of problems with elves in the past year o' so trying to look up girls skirts. Perverted little buggers…." Hagrid said with is fist clinched and face getting redder by the moment.

"No! Hagrid…no," Hermione replied in a embarrassed voice "none of them have done anything like that. At least I don't think so." She said remembering back to one time when she was sleeping she felt something touch her, then decided it must have been a fold in the blanket, "I mean odd ones, the ones that hang out in dungeons and such"

" Yep been there for a while I say," only place they go but I never got a good look at them"

"Well will you go see them with me please…. please"

"Sure, why not. Got nothing better to do." Moments later after gathering their belongings, Hagrid picking up a rather large crossbow in the process, they open the door and set out to find the elves only to find them in Hagrid's pumpkin patch, each one of them eyeballing up the giant man and the girl till the red eyed one spoke

"Bludgeon" he said in the same soothing voice as though it were a mother to her child and immediately Hagrid fell in love with them.

" Ah isn't he cute, well 'ermione I think I know what to do with yer lil stalkers 'ere." Then he picked them up with one scoop of his hand.

Three days later a owl flew to a particular house which was owned by a particular Lycanthrope and Animagus couple, to drop off a package…

"Honey, we got elves." Remus Lupin said as he put two elves on his shoulder and began to walk back to the hallway to the kitchen to find Sirius Black in dog form being chased down by another elf with a bat

"BLUDGEON" the elf said as he tried to smack Sirius with the bat, who then turned back into his human form.

"I know dear." He said as he was getting stricken with the bat, then he tackled the assailant to get the get the weapon.

"Hide" whispered one of the elves on Remus's shoulders to his ear "Hide

Remus then replied to the elf with I smile on his face "I think we will." As he walked out of the kitchen and shut the door, then went down the hall as the sounds of pans hitting the floor rang threw it.


End file.
